| Sugar I'M going DOWN |
[01 Jun 2005|06:49pm] |
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The Wanders Guild~Armor For Sleep |
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Man, it feels so done right now. like Im trying so hard to keep to my promise I made to myself after Karen died of not being so judgemental, but it seems as though Im picking and choosing too much with that. I feel like Ive lost myself & others so much lately, Im just so caught up in my thoughts. I keep thinking about how much I need to go to a show. I love the feeling of being there & being front row. I lose so much angst there. I mean staring up on stage and (not)/being just another face in the crowd. The cool breeze from the amps, and the all around feel is priceless & beautiful. not caring, and letting myself go & feeling that wonderful high and adrenalyn rush. Id give anything for a good show and a good rain on my face with my friends. to have a moment so pure and deep. a moment where I dont dwell on my faults. lately Ive found myself curled up with my sketchbook drawing whatever comes to mind. maybe soon Ill have pictures up. I feel like Im giving up, Im so over looking for prince charming and mister right. somtimes this whole quest for love feels like fighting a losing battle, with the mentality of at least Ill die trying. Im so over settling for less than what I want. sick of looking for someone who never existed to begin with. MY DREAM GUY WAS JUST THAT... A DREAM. realization of wrongs and heart break seriously blow. just give me a good rain, and a good cry & I swear Ill be better.
People never seem to be satisfied with me, Im so over trying to please everyone all the time. its a losing battle. people piss me off too much.
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| standing at your own grave... (sorry Karen) |
[03 May 2005|08:22pm] |
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I can make a mess like nobodys bussiness~whispering actually |
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Yesterday I was at the cemetary, and I noticed the "couple's headstones" ya know the husband wife ones. I started thinking about like what it would be like to have your husband die, and to take care of his grave. as if there wasnt enough irony in that, but knowing that you are standing over where your own body will be laid to rest. as if foreshadowing your own fate over a blank space of earth.
Lastnight Dre & I had a deep converstation, that practically saved me from insanity. We were talking about karma, and how we're some of the few people that watch our karma, and treat people right. & I was saying how I realized how many people I judge, and for no apparent reason, as if my own insecurities take over my mind & make me be a wretched person to them to compensate. One such victim of my wretchedness was Karen Williams. I liked to make fun of her & call her a scenester wannabe. I told Dre lastnight I was gonna start fresh today, but today was too late. There was an accident lastnight. Karen & her sisters & her niece were driving, and a semi t-boned their car... Karen was killed saving her niece's life. I keep trying to justify myself in thinking, it was wrong what I did, but I'll do better next time. Stories like that are what inspire me so much when I read them, but I figure someone writes them up, that they arent reality. society has been so jaded that its rare to find people with that true of a heart & soul. Yet I who thought I was such a cool kid that I could treat her the way I did. She didnt deserve that, nobody does. Aidan & I were talking, and as he said & was right, "it shouldnt take someones life ending to make you realize your own flaws." I keep praying to God that ke would let Karen know that Im deeply sorry for what I did to her. People tell me she probably didnt notice, or wouldnt remember, but it doesnt matter how it affected her so much as the thought that I was that cruel. when in the few times Id talked to her, I noticed she was really funny & cool. I ever gave her the honor or respect she deserved. I dedicate this entry to Karen. may God bless her & let her be happy & in peace.
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| the shocker.... |
[29 Apr 2005|09:57pm] |
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mood |
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 nerr |
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music |
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shine on diamond eyes : Hawthorne Heights |
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yeah, I got home from a fun time at wal*mart, all seemed right, I saw very cute boys, and cute boys in Armor for Sleep & Rufio shirts... which you DONT see in Safford AT all, like nobody knows who they are really, and everyone is becoming trendy with tote bags, and I felt nerr about all that. and then I went home, and my sister's brothers were standing outside my house, and I guess her Dad died. I feel so bad for her, cause I remember when Dre's dad died, and how horrible it was. but I cant help feeling excited to see my sister, I mean I havent seen her in like a year and a half. I wish it wasnt under these circumstances. my mom has been so upset and I dont know how to act. I talked to Dre and she told me the story about Aaron... and I CANT BELIEVE it. its insane, I dunno, I mean everything seemed so great, Dre & Aaron were gonna work & I was excited, I mean damn if one of us homies gets some play, its RAD! but now, its like strange, I always saw Aaron as cute, innocent, goofy, and content... we didnt call that boy mr rogers for nothing lol. but now, I mean I dunno. its so on for me right now... if that makes no sense sorry, but Im just saying I hate how cliche sex is... I mean its like sex is what the world seems to revolve around... litterally. ya know, most people want their first time to be special, some people just love to fuck random people, and others like me want to wait till we're married, but in the long run, unless youre a nun or somthing, or some other extreem circumstance, everyone has sex, and sex is everywhere. and we wouldnt be here without it, and it bothers me! I mean damn! ITS EVERYWHERE & EVERYONE IS HAVING IT... whats the hype. I dunno Im lame & Im out.
break my heart again...
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| "we're not just taking trips down memory lane... we're broken down on it" ~Pete Wentz |
[29 Apr 2005|06:48pm] |
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mood |
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upbeat |
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Panic!At the DISCO |
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haha, I FINNALLY got around to writting in here again about my simplistic yet utterly confusing life. I realize I only write in here when Im upset, and I NEED to change that. I have my issues, and most of which you know about, I complain all the time on here. I've faced the reality that some things including myself NEVER change like they should, and others that shouldnt change do. I'll admit, Ive come a long way from where I was. I've moved on and am trying to stop blaming myself for some of what happend, while accepting responcibility for my actions that have gotten me where I am. All this is only the beginging though, I hope I hold on strong and continue to move on with the reaization that things between us will never be the same. Ive learned to be happy in everything I've lost and I look upon it all as a learning expiriance, that I need to remember & not take lightly... I dont look at people as just people, I look at them as hearts that I could potentially break in ignorance.
On to a less deep thing... or atleast somthin I wont dwell on to make sound deep... yeah, its friday, I wanna fall in love lol. <<< wait I take that back... lol, Love scares me... or atleast what Ive expirianced with the words and thought I felt... break my heart lol. in the great words of Pete Wentz "go fall in love with someone or somthing" yeah. I love that guy!
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| Sorry For The Mess |
[18 Jan 2005|09:45pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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love will tear us appart ~ Fall Out Boy |
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Yeah today was a normal day that went pretty good inspite of the bad parts. but my mom & I went to the health food store & I scored vegetarian style. we started talking about my uncle's suicide last year. thats always been a rough topic for me. it was almost a year ago today, and I never really stop thinking about it. I get the chills & feel sick if I think about it for too long. but I guess that the last thing in the suicide note was "sorry for the mess you have to clean." It eats me from the inside out in the sence that it tears me up & breaks my heart, then it shows with the dark circles under my eyes. I started thinking ya know, what drove him to it? and could I have stopped him? or if he felt anything? if he thought about me? is he in hell? and I swear Im going crazy thinking about it. somtimes I think that I always act all peppy & happy so much of the time is to cover up my many insecurities & pain. & I thought ya know if anything happend to me or anyone else then there is so much people would never know that Ive always wanted to tell them.
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| falling asleep to the beat of rain drops/ its not you its me |
[04 Jan 2005|07:24pm] |
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mood |
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exanimate |
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music |
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foo fighters~everlong |
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what a life we all live. lastnight it felt good, the smell of rain, and a nice blank canvas. I've been so consumed in my art since I got home, that its hard to get back on track with school work. Its my own fault for anything that goes wrong. & so much has been. Im not complaining, Ill say that much. Its hard to describe what Im feeling. Its like a desire to be unknown & left alone. But a longing to face my problems & not have to worry about keeping everyone happy. Im so scared of losing sooo much right now, that it scares me deep deep down inside. Ive stayed up crying about how much Ive already jacked up in my life & in others. & I appologize if Ive hurt on of my few but well loved readers. it wasnt intentional. and those of them who may never read this I wish I could tell them Im sorry for every thing Ive put them through. I feel like everything Im feeling right now is well deserved pain for all the things Ive put everone through. Im tryinging to fing out what is wrong with me. I hate that I feel like such a wreched person right now & how so many have been saying Im different. the stress is adding up too. I dont blame my parents, its my fault for being a horrible student, but I feel like one of those 28cent goldfish you get for a kindergartener, & put them in those lil bowls & watch them swim around. I have no privacy it seems anymore. I always have people checking to see if Im ok. which is nice. but people make me feel like a freak. like I just dont belong. my mom hastling me about everything, and I get to school & its just as bad. theres no escaping being weird. if I could have one wish, @ this point Id wish to be normal, like everyone else. to not be the fat kid, or be the weird one, the blonde one, I never seem to fit NEVER! & it hurts to be the one with all the wrong thoughts & things to say. Ive been getting this lump in my throat when I think about it, cause it makes me wanna cry. I think about everything I want in life, and by the time everyone I know tells me about the flaws in my plans, or brings me back to reality, I have nothing. right now I dont know what I want. I used to know, but those dreams faded with my fairy tale ending with my prince charming. I started thinking about that, & I thought knowing me I would meet the guy who is perfect for me, but Id find a flaw in him & let him go & I know it. I wish I could let down my expectations & jugements. I wish I didnt care what people say & think, but I do. & Im seriously about to cry, because Im so scared its all catching up to me. I deserve every bit of this pain. but I can smile, because atleast this time Im not dumb enough to let it leave physical scars, only emotional ones. I deserve the tears Im crying now, for every tear Ive made another shed. I recomend the book Tithe to anyone. its by Holly Black, and its amazing. its caused me to think a lot, especially this quote: "For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror we can just barely endure, and we admire it so because it calmly distains to destroy us." thats had me thinking. Ive been so stressed lately & I think Im taking a break from it all. those of you I have plans with, theyre still on, just these next couple days, Im gonna try & find how Ive changed & try to go back. sorry for my malfunctions. I love you all more than you'll ever know. Im sorry if Ive been a bitch, its that lovely time of the month, and Im just stressed as it is. & if I dont say anything, it either means I have nothing to say so I wont say meaningless things I dont mean, or it means Im not gonna say somthing because Im just blah right now. "its not you its me"
love alwayz, Kat
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| Dust & Daylight |
[19 Dec 2004|10:19pm] |
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Nikki FM: Hawthorne Heights |
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Lately Ive thought a lot about the past, and how much has changed, and how much hasnt. i look at who i am, and who everyone has become & how life has changed for everyone, and i wonder if id be proud or dissapointed in who i am. im not living for the past, im just reliving it for a short time. t.j. looked sooo sexy tonight & lastnight, and when hed look at me, id melt, and i had pretty much passed him over, and gotten over him, but ofcourse not, such a t.j. thing to have that loverly effect. oh & i saw bobby tonight so ha dre... yeah the bled is 1754864979870664654765.... times better, especially since im not really attracted to bobby on a sexy basis, whateva, I hope nobody else gets sick cause it sucks almost as bad as the poem I wrote backstage tonight, I kinda hate it lol.
~kat
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| When the Curtains Fall... |
[18 Dec 2004|09:54pm] |
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Bloody Romance : Senses Fail |
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Well... today was opening night of my play, it was pretty cool, had a full house. but I dunno, I was thinking about how easy acting is, & how quickly I can get into charactor, & I wonder if maybe we're all playing a role in life, maybe thats why its so easy to act on stage. after the play was over, my parents didnt wanna stay for the after party... ofcourse, I mean that would invole socializing & we cant have that now can we? I guess things could be a lot worse, just nothing is right this year I swear! Im trying so damn hard to figure out who I am & what Im gonna do after High School. People have been to blunt lately. Ill say my biggest fears of what I am becoming, & theyre always there to say yeah, I agree you kinda suck & yeah I do hate you. gee thanks, if I wanted to be told that I would have just asked the Happy Bunny on my shirt. Ive thought a lot about "emo" kids lately, and I guess I am one myself, but in sooo many ways I hate them. theyre soo selfish in some ways. but in others, I am truely jealous of them & strive to be as cool as them. what I like about emo is it takes beauty to a dramatic level that I love the artisticness of. I am bummed out to no end that Im one of dumb cliche emo kids. I hate that soo much, almost as I hate how I feel about practically everything. Its been one of those times where you sleep a lot, & draw when your awake. I realized that one thing I truely strive for is to belong somwhere, and more than usual Ive been denied that. I hate that everywhere I go I never fit. I stick out soo much. All I want right now is that feeling where I know everything is ok, & I cant find that. nomatter where I am, or who Im with I feel insecure. like I say Skrappys is the happiest place on earth, which yeah, it kinda is, good times happened there, yet everytime Im there Im on the outside looking in. everyone there is all cool & in touch with the latest in everything, while Ive but stuck in BFN, Ive really grown to resent Safford. I hate that when Im hereI stick out, cause I listen to bands that most people have never heard of, and when Im in Tucson I feel country, cause I dont understand somthings, or know everyone. It seems soo busy, everyone hurrying around & fitting in, & me on the outside looking in. I just want to fit somwhere, & I want someone to love when the curtains fall.
Kat
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| Paper Hearts & Scissors. |
[15 Dec 2004|09:44pm] |
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senses fail : bloody romance |
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"dear katrina, I hope you have fun & enjoy christmas. I know a few things I probably shouldnt. Anywats, to clarify somthings. 1.) I have no intrest in you. Youre a friend. Im sorry if Ive been putting you on. I dont think that there can be a chance in heaven or in hell. youre a friend. sincerely Tony"
yeah my lovely note from my crush, thanks for the candy cane tony.... not. whatever. not my week.
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| This Broken Heart of Mine... |
[13 Dec 2004|07:58pm] |
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mood |
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[]D.[].[]V[].[]D |
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99 problems : Jay-Z |
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Hey kids, its me again, who else? well I need to get working on duct tape again, its been awhile, & Im so booked with orders, but whateva, bussiness is booming, why complain? Id have to say that this year is the worst year, if not ever, then in a long time, & I think its been that way for a lot of people. Maybe not even bad persay, but a year of definate growth. Ive come to so many realizations lately, I hope that this state of mind Ive acquired doesnt leave, & that I wont leave this growth behind me like shedded skin. Its hard to say which things should stay or which things should go. I know that I learned of quite a few while I was at Acquire The Fire last weekend. Ive been trying to see things differently, & give everyone a bigger chance that deserved, I believe thats a big part of thw WWJD thing. Ive become so much more aware of how people use God for a thing of style, & Ive been feeling strongly for religions that dont nessisarily encourage a personal relationship with God, they know their scriptures by heart, and works without faith is all fine & dandy, but its not getting them into heaven. Im not preaching, Im rambling on whats going on in my mind, and if you you dont wanna read it thats your choice, Im not trying to offend anyone at all, & if I am, Im sorry.
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| Stupid Cupid Stop Pickin' on me!!! |
[07 Dec 2004|06:06pm] |
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grateful |
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the sweater song: Weezer |
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Hello world, wow Im slow I almost spelled helo like that, but I was all hmmm that doesnt look right. LoL, So what have you cool LJ kids been up to? I just got back from phoenix on Sunday, it was a lot of fun going to Acquire The Fire. I learned a lot that I needed to. & life in general has been insane, its like my opptions guy wise, are open, and they're all tied up. Ikeep reminding myself they arent just dumb boys, but theyre each a different heart. I dont wanna break any of them, but once again I wanna have my cake & eat it too, in the sense that I want to stay single till I meet the right guy, but at the same time, I miss kissing & cuddling & having somebody to be there good times & bad. I have no idea about whats gonna happen, but it seems like life may be closing in, but where theres a will theres a way, I WILL find a way to get out of nowhere. so much to think about. I cant wait till I get my paint supplies, so much I wanna paint, Im really excited about it! I miss so many things right now, especially you Tucson friends, break is comming, & Im 98% sure of a good time!
mucho hearts
Kat
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| the tear stains on your pillow |
[29 Nov 2004|10:01pm] |
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cold |
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Amber Pacific : Thoughts Before Me |
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well well well... how are you live journal kids doin'.... sure... I never write, but Imma gonna miss y'all this weekend... Ill be gone friday & saturday, & home late sunday... I hope everyone has fun. Ive been thinking a lot about things lately, & I wrote down a ton of ? I hope I find the answers to at Acquire The Fire. I dunno though. Ive been having doubts lately & I hate that feeling. I just want to go & find more faith, & carry on with it ya know. I wanna feel somthing, cause somtimes I feel like I dont feel at all. I want what T.J. has, absolute faith & a good relationship with God, I know I dont see everything about that with him, but i can tell it you know, because his standards, & how he talks to Tonya about struggles & junk. but yeah I probably sound lame, but whateva.
~kat
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| No Band*Aid on my Broken Heart |
[27 Nov 2004|07:57pm] |
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Ohio Is For Lovers!!! (HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS!) |
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Hey all... yeah, Im so bored here in Safford, you have no idea. I want another cat so bad!!! I heart Nala, but I want another kitty sooo bad. today I remembered where I had my stashed my water colors, so I was pretty damn happy bout that. sure I loooove sketching waay more than paint. I think Im better at sketch anyway. hmm I wonder if I could copy & paste 1 on here... hmmm lemme try.... nope no such luch damnitt! oh well. this is a lame entry, but whateva, I love you all lotts & lotts!!!
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| A thin line between love & hate |
[22 Nov 2004|07:54pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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Thrice:Stare at the Sun |
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Today was another emo day, here in themiddleofnowheresville... aka Safford. yeah. I did somthings out of charactor. I mean I dunno. somtimes do you ever get an urge to do somthing just to feel somthing new. like those days when it all feels the same & you just are dying to live. it was one of those. plus the stress of the average emo teen is made way more dramatic than the average person. which I guess is self inflicted. Ive been thinking about random things, like depression meds... I mean do they really work, are they a false sense of security? I mean I remember when I was like 13 my cousins were always trying to convince my mom to get me on them & Ive often wondered if they'd work. recently, theres been a ton of media on the suicidal effects that depression medications have on teens. being depressed has a somewhat effect on making someone suicidal at times, whats the point of taking the meds... speedier death? I dunno, Ive been thinking so much lately about other peoples pain & hate, where all the anger & anymosity comes from.
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| bad times is the simplest term for this |
[19 Nov 2004|06:32pm] |
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contemplative |
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Blue Carolina: Alkaline Trio |
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Well, yeah. Tomarrow is Frolic. Excited is what everyone else is. Personally, me, Im paranoid. I really dont wanna go with Sam anymore. Especially since I found out he really lied to me!!! Ok I was supposedly his first kiss. but apparently he kissed Yesenia... yeah she was one of my best friends in 8th grade, but now shes one trashy mamerjammer. not just kissed we're talking full on making out like more than me & him. & if he would have been honest from the begining & said yeah, Ive been kissed Id have no issues with it. but the fact he said no, & still kissed me. and the fact he swore he never did anything whith Yesenia at all ever. and now hes thinking about hooking up with a krustie girl named katheren or some shiz, as if I hadnt had enough issues with that name in past years. yeah seems like hes a super duper good lyer cause I believed him all along. whateva. Im just happy, Tony is going stag. Im gonna dance with him maybe. hes a really sweet guy. I feel like its wrong that he doesnt get the respect he deserves. I guess his family is really rough, & that they were all sepparated for a period of time, because it wasnt a "suitable invirinment" his brother travis threw a brick at his head when tony was like 7. he says honestly he cant remember anything that happend before that. the bad times didnt stop then either. I guess that alright he lives out past artesia, and if you know where that is then yeah its a long way from town kinda. and if not, we call it the boonies & BFE (butt fucking egypt) and well he walks to school & church!!! yeah, he starts walking @ 5 & gets there around 6:30ish. but thats insane, it would be so easy for somthing bad to happen to him & his mom doesnt care!!! the way he draws & the way he sings, its just amazing to me. I was talking to some friends & we agreed that it was crazy how the majority of people who have the right to complain about life dont, and seem to be thankful for everyday. I wish we could all have that state of mind ya know.
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| My NEW journal. |
[15 Nov 2004|07:13pm] |
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happy |
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music |
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Something Corporate |
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Ok this is the NEW journal..I promise i wont change my Screen Name for a while..I will write a LONGER post later tonight...
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